A Demented Birthday Party
by xKadaj
Summary: Cloud's birthday is in two days, and Tifa's making all of the FF7 characters psychotic. Aerith's alive? Reno likes leather pants? Rude and an evening gown in the same room? YuffiexVincentxCloudxReno? In her dreams! R&R!


**_A Demented Birthday Party_**  
by xKadaj

_Author's Notes: _Okay, this is a crazy, nonsensical, remotely OOC, not-supposed-to-make-that-much-sense… thing. Yeah. Things are good. In a nutshell, Cloud's birthday is in two days, and Tifa's making just about all of the FF7 characters crazy (or deceased) - directly or not, dead or alive, human or animal or Mog. Or Sephiroth. Yay, Sephiroth!

This took the span of two entire days to write.. Non stop. Yes. Playing Final Fantasy VII and writing fan fiction for it is good for the soul… whatever.

_Disclaimer: _I do not own Final Fantasy VII, nor do I own Kadaj, Yazoo, Loz, or Advent Children.

Let the hell fiction commence!

* * *

**August 17**

_7:03 AM - Some random island in the middle of the sea_

Barret fumed.

"Ain't there any way to mute this damn'd PHS?"

He picked up the phone. "Yeah, wha'."

"_Barret!_" Tifa screamed happily into the phone. "_Where are you?_"

"Dun' matter - what's up?" _Damned woman…_

_"Okay, okay, listen, this is great! I've planned this awesome surprise birthday party for Cloud! He's going to be 22, you know - in two days! It's, um, the party's at Costa del Sol. Be there in two days time, at 7:00 AM sharp! Anyway… I have some more phone calls to make. We're going to give him the _best_ birthday he ever had! Just don't tell him! See ya!_"

"…Tifa, you on crack?"

Unfortunately, our beloved Barret would never find out the answer to his question, as the line immediately went dead.

_7:49 AM - Grasslands by the Chocobo Farm_

"C'mere, Vinny! Why do you always avoid me like that? Don't you like me? What, is there something on my face?"

"Get… away… from me."

"Aw, I'm hurt, Vinny!" Yuffie jumped and clung to the man. He twitched involuntarily and held a clawed hand over Yuffie's face.

"Alright, you… I have no qualms about hurting a woman."

"Oh, you DON'T, eh? Well then, Mr. Big Shot, let's see you try!"

Vincent Valentine went red.

"Is that _color_ I see in your face, Vinny?"

He shuddered and pulled up his cloak to cover his face more than it had been previously. Now only his forehead was visible. He let go of her and turned away, blushing furiously.

"Gahaha! I won! You knew I'd pummel you with my shuriken if you even tried something - because I'm Yuffie, the GREATEST ninja EVERRR! …Um, can you even see like that?"

"…Why are you following me, anyway?"

"Come on, silly, everyone knows I have no life! So, I decided to stalk the cutest bishi boy I knew, and-"

"Oh," he closed his eyes and smirked, "I'm not that cute-"

"-and Cloud wasn't around! So I decided that maybe I should see what Reno was up to, but when I said 'hi,' he ran away from me, wailing something about me and his pants! It was really, really mean! …Ketchup doesn't permanently stain leather, right? Anyway, then I was just walking around, trying to find a well-populated place to steal from, when up comes you!"

"So you don't think I'm… bishi?" Vincent turned to his left and frowned, though Yuffie wouldn't have noticed anyway.

"No, of course not! I just bother you because it's fun! …Hey, I'm not over there, you know…"

"Urg…"

_8:16 AM - Chocobo Farm_

"Warrrrk?"

"Um. Wark?"

"WARK WARK WARK WARK **WARRRK**!" The silver haired man reared back and shuddered.

"I didn't - WARK - mean it - wark - I'm sorry!"

"Wark," the Chocobo mumbled pleasantly, and went on its way. Sephiroth was amazed.

"I may be the most badass, criminally insane, maniacal, inhuman, straight out crazy evil villain on the face of the planet… but everyone knows that angering a Chocobo means certain death. And I can't afford to die. Again."

"That's right! We're having a tea party tomorrow, aren't we?"

"Oh, God. I mean… oh, me. Please, no…" He turned around and glared at the three young men slowly closing in on him. "You guys seriously followed me all the way here?"

"But of course, _Sephy_!" Loz fluttered to Sephiroth's side and bowed. Sephiroth looked upon him with disgust, eyes flaring. "We idolize yoooou!"

"DO _NOT _CALL ME 'SEPHY,' YOU… YOU **_FIEND! _**HOW SHALL I EVER DISTINGUISH YOU FROM THE THRONGS OF MILLIONS UPON MILLIONS OF FAN GIRLS THAT THROW THEMSELVES UPON MY PATH EVERY DAY?"

"Alright, come on, man - it's not so bad. I doubt that there are millions… besides, with the additions of me and Yazoo, I'm sure many of your fan girls have turned their short attention spans to us," said Kadaj.

"…" Yazoo walked over to the other side of the farm, contemplating the meaning of life with a rather complacent Chocobo.

"Um, hello? What about me?" Loz eyed Kadaj wearily.

"You? What about you?" Kadaj and Sephiroth spat.

"Well? Don't I get any fan girls?"

"Warky here says you plain suck," Yazoo called out from across the farm, pointing to the complacent Chocobo. "He says nobody likes you as it is. He also says this section of the story is politically incorrect, as Sephiroth and Kadaj cannot even be alive at the same time, because-"

"SHUT UP!" Sephiroth yelled. "NO ONE HAS TO KNOW! Thanks for semi-breaking the fourth wall, you jerk!"

"Waaah! You guys hate me! I should just DIE!" Loz curled up on the ground and cried.

"Warky says he and his friends can arrange that…"

"Yazoo, you are very odd," Kadaj stated quietly. "That stupid Chocobo can't say nothing more than 'wark'."

"And a rose by any other name would smell just as sweet, Warky says!" Yazoo shouted. "Remember that!" They ran to a secluded part of the farm, out of the view and earshot of everyone else. Meanwhile, Sephiroth was banging his head against the side of a fence, Loz was rolling around in the grass hysterically crying, and Kadaj was placing his hand under Sephiroth's head to prevent him from hitting a nail.

"…Uh… huh." Kadaj tapped Sephiroth with a free hand.

"Oh? Yes..?"

"Are you okay?"

"Physically, better than ever! This head thing is quite habitual. All of the characters from my pixilated world have succeeded in pissing me off more than superhumanly possible quite a long time ago. You CG kids are just more wood to the fire."

"Ah, yes, of course… wait, _what_?"

"TEA PARTY! TEA PARTY!" Loz screamed. "I WANT A TEA PARTY! ..How come I haven't had that many spoken lines? Where did Yazoo go? Why am I rolling around in… OH MY GOD. SOMEBODY, GET ME TO A SHOWER, QUICK."

Loz ran off into the distant horizon. Lesson: never romp around in a Chocobo corral!

Sephiroth blinked. "Why does he keep talking about a tea party…? I don't even like tea."

"About that… you see, we have intercepted the plans of your arch-rivals, and your arch-nemesis, Cloud Strife… we have ascertained that they are attempting to plot some sort of celebratory-"

"I have been banging my head for a long time, now. Please use simpler words than that."

"If you insist… um, how shall I put this… Ah - they're throwing a surprise birthday party for spiky-ass in two days, and we have that much time to figure out a way to screw it up."

"WARKY SAYS CLOUD LOOKS LIKE A CHOCOBOOOO!" came a distant cry. It was, of course, ignored.

_10:32 AM - Outside Aerith's Church, Midgar Slums_

"_Planet, hear my prayers…_" came the quiet voice of a distraught Cloud Strife. "_I… in two days, it will be my twenty second year on this earth. I want… no, for my birthday, I need the closure with Aerith that I never had._" He leaned up against the church's wall.

"_Please, send me a sign… I really need to see Aerith again. Send me something…?_"

"**SO IT HAS BEEN SAID, SO SHALL IT BE DONE!**" came a loud, booming voice from somewhere above.

"What in the seven hells…?"

"**Actually, there are nine LEVELSof hell. Silly humans and your silly theories.**"

"Who.. are you?"

"**I am the Universal Soul! I am everything, and nothing! I am void of everything, but full of nothing! Wait, no, I said that wrong. I mean…**"

"If you're freakin' Yuffie or Cait Sith or something, I will disembowel you on the spot… this isn't funny…"

"**Psht! _Everyone _knows that Yuffie and Cait Sith suck!**"

"Well, that is true… then, you MUST be real! Oh, Universal Soul, I-"

"**Don't bother, man, I heard you already. But, aren't you aware of the in-game secret?**"

"Um, what?"

"**After Aerith is, erm, 'offed,' and you backtrack to this very spot, you can see the ghost of her in the church! I am not required to help you here - the noble people who created you have already provided that!**"

"..R-really? So you're saying if I go in there right now, then I'll see… I'll see… _her_?"

"**Yes! Go on, my friend! Reclaim that which you've lost! Of course, after all of that, I will be back to receive my payment…**"

"Payment?"

"**Being the Universal Soul, I am a very busy.. um.. disembodied thing! Therefore, I will require all of your gil, items, and materia to compensate for this helpful secret!**"

"SCREW YOU, RENO!" Cloud ran inside the church and left the man standing on the roof dumbfounded.

"How did he see through my clever wiles?" Reno pondered, shutting off Cait Sith's megaphone and tossing it away.

_11:21 AM - Meanwhile, on Cactuar Island…_

"MMPPHHHT!" Cait Sith murmured, bound and chained to a crudely carved wooden table being suspended into the air. His Mog had been tied to a wooden plank, and Cactuars were taking turns running into it. A sea of Cactuarssurrounded Cait Sith. They were chanting an odd incantation of sorts, that sounded something like "HIGGUH FLIGGUH. HIGGUH FLIGGUH. HIGGUH FLIGGUH." Cait Sith squirmed about, but to no avail. The chanting became more fierce - and then?

Then a giant Chocobo fell from the sky, crushing under it the entire island.

Poor Cactuars!

_12:32 PM - Outskirts of Junon_

"STOP FOLLOWING ME! I SWEAR TO GOD, I WILL GO _CHAOS_ ON YOUR _ASS!_" Vincent screamed at Yuffie.

"Teeheeheeheehee!" She cried back.

Provided that Vincent's cloak was still pulled up covering most of his face, he couldn't see anything. This resulted in the running into of countless trees, mountains, etc. Vincent was hurting, and Yuffie was laughing. The temptation to transform into a gigantic monster and step on her was great. He would have done it, too, but -

"Hey, isn't that the PHS?" His homicidal flow of thoughts stopped for a minute, as he reached inside his cloak and picked it up. "Hello?"

"_Ah, hello, Vincent._"

"Who is this again?"

"_Red…_"

"WHOA! Seriously? How can you use a phone with all of those… paws?"

"_I expected that from you. The short way to explain all of this is, quite simply, that I'm cool like that._"

"Uh, okay. So, what brought you to call me, my four-legged friend?"

"_Okay, really - just shut up. It's not that much of enigma. Haven't you ever seen those television shows where the cat saves the baby from the fire or the crumbling building…?_"

"No. I'm not much of a TV person."

"_You - useless - thing! ARG! _GARRRGRRRARRRGRRR!"

Yuffie interjected. "Hey, I can hear that, you know! It sounds like someone is choking to death! What's going on?"

"_Oh, she is there, too? Excellent. It saves me time. Let's just cut to the chase, then,_" Red sighed, more or less pleasantly.

"Right," Vincent muttered, slowly edging away from Yuffie, who slowly edged closer each time. A lost cause… oh dear.

"_Well. As you may already know, Cloud's birthday is in two days. Hence, Miss Tifa has decided to plan him a surprise party-_"

"D-did he say… CLOUD?" Yuffie stuttered.

"No. The last word he said was 'party,'" Vincent sighed. "Continue, Red…"

"Cloud? Party? Cloud party! CLOUD IS A PARTY!" She chattered with glee.

"_Urge… to kill… rising. May I please just finish this, before I have to Sled Fang you all?_"

"That thing doesn't even hurt, but all right," Vincent mused.

"_Yes. So. In two days, both of you should come to Costa del Sol at 7 AM, for the party. Miss Tifa said to just meet her near the entrance. That is all._" Red was quick to hang up. (But _how_ did he do it?)

Vincent shoved the PHS back into his cloak, and pulled the part covering his face down. He sighed. "Now I'm going to even have to spend more time with you hanging off me…"

"Really? Cool! What happened?"

"Cloud's birthday is in two days. Everyone's going to Costa del Sol. It's all Tifa's idea… personally, I think it's stupid, but-"

"CLOOOOUD'S BIIIIRTHDAY?"

"Um, yeah. So, we ought to get a move on…"

"No way, Vinny! We're going to Wall Market! We have to find him the perfect gifts! Come on, let's go!"

Yuffie dragged Vincent by the hair all the way back to Midgar. He didn't bother resisting, it wouldn't help him. But, seriously… such perfect hair… and such a waste. Oh, well.

_1:23 PM - Near Aerith's House, Midgar_

"Mm… I can't wait t' see Marlene." Barret trudged through the slums. "I know Aerith's mom is treatin' her well, but.. I'm in th' area, I ought to see her…" He passed by all of the people of the slums, and got increasingly sadder, viewing their misfortunes.

"Aw, it's so depressin' over here."

"Barret, it's not so bad. I kind of like it here."

"…!" Barret turned around. There she was, in all her glory - **_Aerith?_**

"WHAT IN… AERITH!" He ran to her to hug her. Sadly, he ran right through her, crashing into a very stricken Cloud.

"…Yes, I'm back. Thanks to Reno. But um, I'm a ghost, you know. Explains why you went through me, and all of that…"

"I noticed." Barret jumped off of Cloud, who hadn't said a word. "But, how did.. How did you come back? I mean.. ya don't even look like a ghost."

Apparently, ghost people were common in Midgar, as Barret didn't seem to really think into any of this much.

"…No idea. Apparently, I wasn't in the life stream after I died. It's funny how authors can alter entire stories if they choose, no? I mean, because I had to die, you know, to alter the life stream so that in the final battle with Sephiroth, Holy could pwn Meteor. Or something like that. There's been online theories about all of this going around for years-"

"YOU BROKE THE FOURTH WALL!" Barret and Cloud shouted in unison.

_…Did she say pwn? _They also thought in unison. Of course, they didn't know that.

"Mm, sorry. It's habitual."

Cloud shrugged. "Aerith, I'm just so happy you're back. Reno's a jackass, but he did help. I think I shall spare him his bowels for the time being."

She grinned. Barret seemed thoughtful. "Aerith, can I talk to ya for a sec?"

"Sure, Barret! Um, can Cloud come too?"

"Well.."

"I get it. I'll be over here." Cloud walked off towards the direction they came, and Aerith and Barret walked near the entrance to her house.

"List'n," Barret mumbled. "I thought you ought t' know. Tifa's plannin' a surprise birthday party for Cloud at Costa del Sol."

"…His birthday is in two days, right?"

"Oh, ya remember?"

"Of course I do." She crouched down. "Have they gotten closer since I…?"

"Hmm..?**--** …Nah, if anythin' they've gotten farther apart. Spiky tends to seclude himself from ever'one else. He was so sad, I guess he didn't want to get hurt again."

"A likely story." She got up. "Alright, well, I'll make an appearance. I know it will scare the living hell out of everyone at that party." A malicious look flashed through her eyes.

Well, as malicious as one could possibly get if they were a dead flower merchant.

(A/N: **--** originally typed as "HAMMM..?")

_1:40 PM - Wall Market_

"Oh… come on… they can't all be out of stock…"

"I am sorry, sir. We don't have any more leather pants in that color. If you wish, you may browse our other fine wares…" The store clerk walked away to tend to other customers.

"Stupid prissy bit-"

"Hey." Rude appeared from behind a clothes rack. "I don't even know why you like leather so much. It's tacky."

"What would YOU know about 'tacky'?" Reno countered. Rude slapped a hand to his forehead.

"…….."

"AHA! I thought so." Reno ogled at a blue hibiscus-patterned shirt. "Hey, this looks great!"

"That thing? Isn't that what old folks in retirement homes wear? Or people in Florida?" Elena mumbled, walking past.

"YOU BROKE THE FOURTH WALL!" Rude and Reno cried.

"No I didn't, I just divulged knowledge from the outside world that I shouldn't even be aware about… anyhow, where's Tseng?"

"He isn't here.. he's at the… heh, he's at the Honey B-"

"He's at the other side of town," Rude interrupted rather loudly.

"…Yes. The… 'other side of town.' Perhaps you should go find him… at the 'other side of town.' Isn't that right, Rude?"

"Knock it off…"

"Elena, I think you should go to the 'other side of t-"

"You guys are weirder than usual today." The blonde walked out of the store. Reno went into a fit of giggles. Rude slowly slipped away, until he was all the way on the _other side_ of the store. Suddenly…

"_Come on, Vinny! This won't be SO bad!_" came the earth-shattering, pants-ruining voice of a certain female ninja.

"OH, LORD. RUDE, COME HERE - NOW."

"…Screw you, RENO." Rude hid behind a clothes rack, laughing maniacally at the evil he had just bestowed upon his comrade.

"DID I JUST HEAR… **RENO? _RENO, BABY! YOU'RE HERE!_**" Yuffie jumped up and down and left Vincent at the entrance. He simply sat down on the floor and took in the whole scene - Yuffie was jumping and swaying her 4-point shuriken all around, scaring many a customer out of the store.

"RUDE!"

"REEEEEENOOOOOOOO! WHERE AAAAREEEE YOOOOOU?"

"Mwahahaha.."

"RUDE…! SAVE ME!"

"RENOOOO? RENOOOO…"

This went on for many hours. Oddly enough, Reno never thought of exiting the store, and Yuffie never thought of entering it. Rude was huddled in a small mass, draped in an evening gown and a pile of sweatshirts, laughing away like a madman. Vincent, on the other hand, had eventually gotten tired of all of this stupidity and walked off.

I bet Rude would look nice in an evening gown.

Regardless…

Will we ever see what Tifa's party plans are?

Will Cloud, Barret, and Aerith find a way to make her whole again?

Will Warky somehow twist the entire plot (if there is one) of this story?

Or will Kadaj and Sephiroth kill off Warky… and Loz?

…Will Sephiroth ever stop banging his head?

Will Vincent find away to make Yuffie disappear forever?

Will Yuffie ever find Reno?

Will Rude ever stop laughing?

Will everyone stop breaking the fourth wall?

_Will these questions ever end?_

Find out in the next installment of…

_**A Demented Birthday Party!**_

-Kadaj

1/14/2006 11:37 PM


End file.
